RALEIGH, NC—After a month of speculation and infighting within NCGOP ranks—Gov. Pat McCrory (R-NC) finally disclosed why it was necessary to push the “transgender bathroom” bill through the North Carolina General Assembly in less than a day—and why he signed HB2 that very same night.
“I’m sick and tired of all this media attention,” McCrory said, in frustration after a news conference, discussing his office receiving a U.S Dept. of Justice letter calling HB2 unconstitutional. “I’ll be damned if I’m going out like this—you want to know the real reason? Huh? Do you?”
McCrory, red faced and clearly shaken, turned to reporters and said, “Because we have small penises. There, I said it. Are you happy now?”
McCrory has come under fire as hundreds of businesses have publically condemned the passage of HB2 calling it discriminatory.
“Discrimination, hell,” McCrory blurted, “we’re the ones being bullied. We simply can’t have men going into the women’s restroom—they’ll laugh at us.”
As McCrory’s staff hustled him from the press conference, reporters gathered in the halls comparing notes and exchanging opinions over what they had witnessed.
One writer, who wished to remain anonymous, said that speculation had been swirling for weeks over whether or not some members of the GOP measured up. “There has always been a rumor around Raleigh that the Republican leadership came up short. But, those had only been rumors. After today, it seems there must be at least some truth to it.”
Another reporter was less forgiving saying, “It strikes me as odd that the Republicans would blame the Obama administration over this Justice Department letter. When the Civil Rights Act was passed, Obama was four years old. I can’t help but think there’s something more going on . . . something racial perhaps.”
Something racial going on?
As it turns out, that reporter may be on to something. It’s widely believed that the North Carolina governor obtained a research report that indicated what Republican white men have long feared: black men have bigger penises and size does matter.
The governor was handed this classified document moments before speaking at a workshop in Durham, North Carolina. Upon reading it, the governor fell to the floor muttering “why God, why?”
Seemingly unrelated until now, the first black chair of the North Carolina Republican Party—Hasan Harnett—was impeached last week by a two-thirds majority vote in what many Republican insiders consider a hatchet job. While Mr. Harnett was out of the country, the Republicans met in special session and got him the hell out of their Party structure.
McCrory’s revelation comes just two days after big handed Donald Trump became the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. Trump took North Carolina with a little over 40 percent of the Republican primary vote.
Nationwide, Donald Trump spent more than $40,000,000 on his self-funded primary run, but as one Republican strategist said, “When you’re worth ten billion dollars, you don’t need a big d**k.”
Filed under North Carolina satire.